Saturday, February 03, 2007

been so long since i left myself alone like this that the serpent
grabbed my heart tonight

he said
never forget where you come from
and I'm proud of you.
a neon "art" sign mocks me. mocks everyone.
not that this town doesn't deserve it, but

this is the last place on earth to make art.
anyplace else will do.
Lorain OH
Villas NJ
Philadelphia PA
Lewiston ID
Corpus Christi TX

All places where art isn't and the soul strives to be.
but
not
here
not
in
oregon.
no bullshit. i love you.
you are unpredictable language and a universe i have
always begged for. you've given me love when no one cared. given me laugh lines.
taken the darkness of war movies from me and replaced it with the tears of romance novels.
i've changed so much with only some asking. i would be the moon for you if you asked.

i would become the moon if you asked. no bullshit.
if you knew, laying there in our gentle grey sheets the gazillion beautiful
things that you made grow in me...

I want to give them back to you

in the form of bicycles and sunday morning breakfasts and snorkeling the gulf coast.
but we are jammed tight into a world of survival that only these words can be cheap enough for:

I'd become the moon if you asked. this is me. this is me. no bullshit. i love you.
white boys fancy themselves tradesmen

white women fancy themselves Bowie.

all fancy themselves liberal
in a communist city

where a girl writing and drinking in a
bar is as strange a site as it is in a small
jersey town

someone grant portland a sense of humility
and me a way out of this town.
the softness of our pillows makes love too easy and sex so much harder
i feel a new hardness in my chest I'd forgotten

not since red wine and war movies have i felt so ragged and hurt
not by you but by my own ineptness at feeling

in fighting sleep i have accepted a cold universe
where love is a job not a vacation

but still if god exists it is in your bones

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Been awhile

I realize now that there is huge information gap on this blog since I haven't talked much about what it's like to live in Portland. So while much has happened to me personally I will save that for a different entry and dedicate this one to a mini dissertation on Portland life.

My attitude towards Portland has changed a lot since I first moved here (see Jan/Feb archives) and was enamored with the idea of living with my new boyfriend and creating a home with him and meeting new people and generally starting over- again. Since that time I have done some of what I set out to accomplish, and other goals have been pushed to the back burner due to, well, life. Much of what I did accomplish (Pretty Little Love Song trailer, Record Label Stuff, etc) gave me a pretty good tour of Portland's good and bad sides. The good is mainly that there are a lot of great individuals working in the film industry here- a lot of super kind and talented folks who actually LIKE working on indie projects as well as normal budgeted projects. They appreciate the nature of indie film and it's pro's and con's. The downside is mainly in the rest of the population (musicians are a completely different blog altogether btw).

In Cleveland, there is almost no creative underbelly to speak of- and I realize that statement will crate a furor in Cleveland blog world if any of them still read this- but it's true. And the reason I feel I can say that with some authority as I have lived in sevearl states and cities besides Cleveland, whereas most Clevelanders are lifers and (travelling NOT included) haven't spent a significant enough amount of time in other American cities to analyze thier own city objectively in this regard.

However, in Cleveland people are exactly who they have always been, and by this I mean they generally feel no need to fit in to the commercial/advertising schematic of American life and for this I applaud the city. They are Clevelanders through and through, which 95% of the time is just awesome.

Portlanders, however, are from all over the country. They are from Alaska, indiana, Idaho, Buffalo (of all places, there is a huge contigent of people here from Buffalo), Boston, Virginia, etc, and mainly, California. The displaced Americans here are Americans who like the following things as a general rule: VW's, Vegan/ Vegetarian food, members of the same sex, microbrews, using the word "organic", hiking, hiking apparel, snowboarding, using the word "green", using the word "culture" or "cultural" or "cultural diversity", biofuel, apple computers, activism or environmentalism (they are synonyms here), and marijuana.

Now- I am not particularly ANTI any of the preceeding things on this list, and certainly I am not against environmentalism, biofuel, or homosexual activity (the latter more than a little hypocritical of me).

Actually I take that back, I am anti a few things on that list- Microbrews (The germans got it right hundreds of years ago, your version tastes like wet dog hair), VW's, any use of the words "organic" or "culture" (neither one of them MEAN anything in the context whichthey are used. THe definition of organic is "Carbon Based". All lettuce is Carbon based.)


My central point here, if you have made it beyond all of my tangents, is that the general population in Portland is what I like to refer to as "liberal facist". In lamens terms this means that I have a hard time finding a deli (in Oregon I should say "deli") where I can order a sandwich with mayonaisse on it. No one carries mayonaisse. THAT is liberal facism. They have alfafa sprouts, 3 kinds of mustard, avocado, and god knows what else, but very rarely, mayonaisse. I like mayonaiss on a sandwich.


One other item on the list above needs to be discussed briefly as well- marijuana. Now, it should be said that I am not neccesarily opposed to marijuana use either. Or even the idea of it being legal- Alchohol and tobacco are both about the same threat level to me as weed. BUT, this entire town is stoned. Which if you are a stoner, it's heaven. I am not a stoner. I am flakey enough on my own, even after 3 cups of coffee and a prozac, I'm flakey. I don't need to make it worse by smoking a bowl. When an entire town is stoned, no one drives the speed limit, and I mean AS FAST AS the speed limit, phone calls are rarely returned in time, deadlines are suggestions, everyone is an artist with a part-time job and 6 roommates.

The guy at the employment agency didn't care that I didn't call him back until a week later.

I'm from the east coast where if you don't walk/run down the street you are considered lunchmeat for muggers, you talk to three people at once on the phone,and NEVER stop for stop signs, LET ALONE a pedestrian.

Portland is not a city. it's something a stoner friend of mine from college dreamed up while playing Nintendo.

Friday, June 02, 2006

another woman come and gone
cuz love aint like
catchin flies in a jar.

in a minute
I'll remember life
ain't drinkin in a bar

till then I'll sing
nother woman come and gone

cuz love ain't like
catchin flies in a jar.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

reasons to marry a madman

He is beautiful when he laughs and hasn't shaved.

He wears a blue plaid robe when he is at home,
and any one of the innumerable visitors that come tromping
through the front door are bound to giggle in appreciation of his honesty.

Sometimes I tell him to close his legs and everyone smiles.


He is above all things kind. Naturally kind.

He always remembers what to put in the cart for me at the grocery store.
Canned mandarin oranges, Avocados, Fresh ground espresso for the machine,
Angel hair pasta.

He lets me cry irrationally and thinks about Star Trek while squeezing the tears out of me.

He likes to pretend he is an alien but I know better.
He is just a rare human.
The kind I love the most.

snooze

I slept the sleep of the guilty yesterday. solid and peaceful.

I am guilty of worry.

It is what carries me through the assignments I give myself.
Art is a horrible thing and they shouldn't teach it in schools. It only leads to self-doubt and humiliation at ones own hand.

Being a truck driver or a secretary or a bartender even, does not do these things to ones soul. they are tasks which let the mind skim the surface of things like a water lily.

first poem in ages

the wind blows a little harsher than i wish
but someone has told me stories of a Pittsburgh wedding

and i remember that the wind is so much harsher in Pennsylvania.

people wave at me while they sit on my property
but in Philly i never would have risked sitting on my porch

so i smile and remember where i put my wallet.

no one from here will ever know what it means when I say
"Philadelphia."

it is a cultural language to them. not an existence.

they like the meanings of words, not feelings.

fear.

the kind that changes your opinion of humanity if you are not wise. that is Philadelphia- a fire so hot with hell your body adjusts it's temperature to survive.

in Portland fear is only embodied by ones own self-destruction.

they do not know what the others bring.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Got Back On


Got Back On
Originally uploaded by jumper cables.
This is me on a horse after being chucked from the first one I tried to ride. Yeah. I'm from Jersey. What I lack in experience I make up for in Balls.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

one step closer

Anyone who follows this blog probably knows I've been working on filming a trailer for a contemporary western indie feature I want to make. well this past weekend I finally got to say "thats a wrap" and am officially moving into the editing phase.

needless to say i spent more money on the damned thing than i wanted to (welcome to the movies, right?) but every penny was definitely worth it. I shot it on the brand spanking new panasonic HVX-200 HD camera and was the first narrative production in Portland to use it.

As soon as I find my digital camera in this wreck of a post-production house I shall post a few photos. But here is the outline of the crazy shit that went down the last few weekends on location in Portland OR, Toppenish WA, and Maupin (or at least thats the closest town) OR.

A) 4 am call time first day of shooting cuz we were shooting in a bar. 2 hr break and we drove 3 hrs to Washington and all got lost along the way.
B) Car crash right next to us b/c people were staring at us instead of driving.
C) got owner of a laundromat's permission to graffiti the building if we painted over it.
D) police nearly arrested Jen my producer and Efrem, one of grip guys, for vandalism while i was off the set for 45 minutes.
E) right before we left mexican gangsters whose graffiti was right next to ours came by a threatened us to get out of THEIR town.
F) We were shooting scenes with horses and I, dumbass that I am attempted to ride a broken wild mustang having never ridden a horse before and it took off with me with only one foot in the stirrup and so I fell and barely missed getting kicked in the head or knocking my head on large sharp rocks. but i got back on later that day.

thats the short version.

Screenings of the finished product will be held at Sabbalahs and The Know at the end of the month in Portland OR. along with a sweet lineup of bands that include my personal favorites- Party Country, The Disaster, and lots more...No dates have been finalized. Trust me when I say, I will keep you posted.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

sun

Lately the skies have been parting and giving us Portland residents a glimpse at what lies beyond the usual grey ceiling. it's nice to know for sure that no one has shot out the sun.

The Government Records Schedule for the month of February is JAM PACKED! The trailer for Pretty Little Love Song begins shooting Friday February 10th, Party Country Practices and recording sessions are inked as well as Disaster recording.

So needless to say I'm a busy bee. Also the GP website is being fixed/getting a facelift this week by someone other than myself which is a sigh of relief.

I officially have room setup in the house that has been dubbed "The War Room"- or what normal people would refer to as an office. it even has a desk, a file drawer, and a dry erase board. Serious Excitement.

the cat is acting strange today.

The infamous Todd Burba has a temporary home on our couch these days as well. he can be heard warbling throughout the house and a fresh case of pabst in frigde is what tells me he's back from the library and/or job hunting.

the sun streaming in through the window is ALMOST making me uneasy because it's so foreign.

even the cat is suspicious of it.